Reassured.

Nearly every morning, as soon as I wake up, there is a moment when I know I need to decide how I will spend my day- will I let worry, fear, frustration, etc. fill my mind? Or will I focus my attention on prayer, gratitude, and the moment I am in, instead? This morning, as I began my run on the treadmill, it took me a good mile and a half to get comfortably in the latter mindset. Running helps me do this easier, and I am grateful every day for that blessing.. 

After my run, I picked up my daily devotional book as I was headed past the bookshelf on the way up to shower. Most of my run was spent thinking about, praying about, the scary therapy that begins tonight. When I read today's devotional, I smiled, because once again, I was given the reassurance that I always seek. (my apologies for the fuzzy photo)

Sprint tri

 On a lighter note from yesterdays post...

My friend Jessie suckered Leandra and I and a few co-workers into doing a sprint triathlon. (She basically made us sign up ;)
Last year, I signed up for one and convinced her to join us because misery loves company and I knew it would be something she would enjoy.
Well, its been a year and here we go again,.
Why, why, why did I sign up for this again?! I think my swimming has actually gotten worse since my last attempt at this. Last week, I stopped mid-lap and choked several different times.
Despite my feelings about swimming, (and my lack of  ability to stay afloat without inhaling underwater), I am going to do this and make the most of it and complete what I signed up to do.
The good news is that I know what to expect, I know I can backstroke if I need to (I absolutely need to) and it will be over in no time because after all, it is a sprint triathlon. Right? Right? I can do anything for 50-60ish minutes.
500m swim, 8 mile bike (stationary), 2.5 mile run.
I have a long run scheduled for that Sunday as part of marathon training, 15 miles. Not sure if I should do it Saturday and swim/bike/run on tired legs or attempt at finishing 12.5 miles after the triathlon. Not sure I will have the mental fortitude to do a long run after the exhaustion of trying to stay alive in the water :)
Will update with pics after the race!

 

                              The above photo is an example of what I do not look like when I swim. 

going back to move forward

I have been in therapy for a couple of years now. Cognitive (talking) therapy, with a Christian counselor. It has helped me in so many ways! It has greatly improved my relationships with myself, and with others, which I am so grateful for.
Over the sessions, it has become even more obvious that I have some pretty big traumas in my life that play more of a role in who I am today than I have ever really realized.
I speak often about how I used to be obese, and how I have worked really hard on overcoming emotional eating. I also mention pretty frequently how I was raised in a dysfunctional family, as my mother was an alcoholic.
What I haven't spoken about is another  really big trauma that happened when I was 18.
I was date raped by someone I trusted would not hurt me, someone I considered him my friend.
Just typing that brings up a huge amount of anxiety and fear!
What is hardest about this is that the people I was close to at that time in my life actively told me that they believed I welcomed it, that I was lying, and that it was my fault. Even a big part of me believed that I deserved it, that I could have/should have done something differently to prevent it.
Until a few years ago, I could not say out loud that I was raped. It was about a year ago that I let this out in therapy. Why had I held it in so long? I was ashamed. Ashamed that it happened, ashamed that I did not prevent it, ashamed that it was effecting me still like it is.
When the topic finally came up, and I heard for the first time in my life someone (my counselor) say the words "Do you know this wasn't your fault and that you didn't deserve this?", the flood gates were opened. I had finally heard the thing I had waited all these years to hear!
I remember going for a run a few days later and abruptly stopping and taking a moment to be alone with myself, and I forgave myself that day for ever thinking I deserved that to happen. It was a big moment for me, but I am certain I am not done with all of the feelings and the trauma of what happened to me back then. I know this because as I sit here typing, I am full of emotion right under the surface that is about to spill out. I know this also because my counselor has recommended that I see another counselor to do some specialized therapy that deals specifically with traumatic issues. I am starting that therapy this week.
I have mixed feelings about this- I am excited to move forward in my life and my relationships and I know that I will as I dig some of these big things out with someone and sort through them and heal- but I am also terrified of  recounting and dealing with the emotions that will come up and out as I do go through the process. But, I'm ready. I am trusting the process. I have come so far, and I know that things just keep getting better for me as I do things I'm afraid to do.
I am sharing this for a number of reasons, if you are wondering why I would even bring this heavy topic up.
1. I have spent far too long keeping this inside.
2. I want to encourage anyone else feeling ashamed of something they had no control over to hear the truth that it wasn't your fault!
3. I want others to understand how important it is to talk about things that aren't talked about. Because I lived in a family that you didn't talk about the problems, and every big problem was a secret, something to be ashamed of.
Well, I'm changing that today. No more shame, no more secrets. It's time to move forward.

Running has taught me...

Attitude is everything.

If I set out to run and I'm carrying too many burdens, or I'm feeling sorry for myself, or I'm in a negative mindset, odds are I will have a miserable run that either results in calling it quits early or walking more than running.
As much as I hate to admit this, there are many runs of mine that I do not enjoy for this very reason. I have to work so hard at being appreciative for the will and ability to run and the gift that it is on a regular basis. This does not come naturally to me!

To appreciate my body for what it is, and not what it isn't.

I have spent the majority of my life hating my body; from the extra skin from losing so much weight to the size of my arms, I have been at war with myself for a long time.
Running has taught me to appreciate that I have two strong legs that carry me over hills, down streets, along trails, to have experiences I never imagined having in this life. I am thankful I have a body that can run for 5+ hours at once! I am thankful that my body  has remained relatively injury-free for the past few years for me to keep doing something that I love! I will trade these things any day over fitting into a pair of size 6 jeans, and that is a beautiful discovery to have finally made!


 I am tougher that I think. 


Running has shown me that if I keep moving forward, I will get through whatever it is I am facing. When I think I can't go another mile, another step, or that I can't make it through a hard time, running is a constant reminder that I can, I will, and I am persevering.

How to be in the present moment.

This may sound simple enough, and maybe it is for everyone else. But for me, I am an expert avoider of being in the moment. I am sure it has something to do with guarding my heart and protecting myself from being hurt from those around me. Growing up with constant verbal and emotional abuse has had long term effects on me, no doubt. Running has enabled me to open my heart, feel joy, and take in the world around me. Running has shown me what it feels like to be truly alive.

We are all the same in our struggles.


We all want to be good enough. We all want to succeed. We all want to belong, to fit in. We all have these thoughts, feelings, and beliefs inside that that hold us back at some time or another, or at least enter our minds now and then.  In a race, you can see all of those beliefs being challenged in each and every person out there. If you've never watched a group of runners, you should. It is hope in action. Running has shown me from my very first 5k, that we are all in this together, all doing the best we can at any given moment.  Realizing that commonality has changed the way I view others completely, and has helped me see that it I am not alone with my fears and doubts. It is what drives me to speak out about them- knowing that what I have learned can be shared with others to enlighten them.

It isn't about performance, it's about showing up to perform.

For a long time, my whole race experience for every race was based on how well I ran and what my pace was. And then, I ran the Chicago marathon. I went into that race under trained, as I had a calf injury a few weeks prior that had me down to just a handful of miles each week,and I was able to complete one 20 mile run but it was a good 6 weeks prior to the race so I had lost that build up in endurance by the time I got to the start line.
I was ecstatic to be able to even participate in that race after not knowing for sure that I'd be able to from the injury. So, I went into it with the mindset that I was just happy to be there, and I let go of any expectation I had as far as time was concerned. Finishing would be an accomplishment in itself. And, it was. I finished my first marathon, barely, and it will be a day I will never forget as long as I live. I can honestly say it would not have been the same had I gone in with time and performance pressure.
Running has taught me that showing up is what matters. It does not matter in the big scheme of things how you did. It matters that you showed up to do it. It is a simple truth that we so easily overlook.

What has running taught you?

Inspired!

Yesterday morning a friend and co-worker stopped by my cube; we sometimes chat about weight loss and also how we share a love for baking.  Carolyn stopped by and shared this huge bit of news with me: she has decided to cancel her cable so that she can join a gym!
She explained that it's is really such an easy habit, to sit and watch tv and not get up and get moving, and how she was always saying  she could not afford to join a gym. Talk about a bold and brave move!
 How remarkable is that?!
I am so excited for her and what lies ahead.
Understanding how important lifestyle changes are when it comes to acting on our own behalf to get healthier is crucial to keeping it off long term!
At lunch, I headed out to run my 4 training miles I had scheduled.. It was a warm 55 degrees outside and I was excited to get out there.
I typically run laps around the warehouse, but on a whim decided to run out to the main road and see what it was about. Being a creature of habit, this was a pretty crazy thing for me to do. I thrive on safe routine.
I had intended to run down the flat part of the road. Instead, I headed toward the big hill knowing I'd have to run it to go two miles out and back.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I thought about Carolyn and how she was boldly making a huge change and just doing it and taking action. So, I followed her lead.
Big scary hill-0
Carrie-2
Thanks for the inspiration, Carolyn!