Smiles for miles

This past weekend, my friend Leandra and I drove to Indianapolis, IN to run our first ever trail race. At night. 13.1 miles in the dark wilderness of Eagle Creek Park. 
It was the most fun I maybe have ever had. Ever in my life. It was scary, messy, cold, challenging to our legs that are used to running a paved, flat trail, and it was exhilarating to be a part of it.
For 3 hours and 20 minutes we navigated the course, shouting words like "ROOTS!", "MUD!", "SLICK!" and  had conversations about how beautiful the place was, even though we were only getting a glimpse from  the tiny bit that the headlamp lights provided us.
At mile 5 things got messy. Really, really messy. Imagine a wide path that is nothing but deep footprints of mud filled with water. Nowhere to go except through it. We tried to stick to the outer edge of the path where there were leaves, but it was no good, and there were thorn bushes that snagged and snarled us several times. At one point we both almost lost our shoes and at another point, Leandra had to stop to pull a thorn out of her finger.  It was a half  mile of nothing but gunk.
At about mile 6 we realized we'd be running through the finishing chute, under the time clock, but wouldn't be stopping, as that was the half way point for us; we still had another lap. We began mentally and verbally preparing ourselves to make it through without letting it get to us. It worked, even though we were already tired by this point.  The power of positive thinking was in full effect.
Around mile 8 or 9 we had an animated conversation about how delicious Steak N Shake sounded. It went something like this:
Me'"Oh my goodness how great does a steak burger sound!?"
Leandra- "And a chocolate shake! Salty fries and a chocolate shake!"
Me- "...and those salty fries dipped in ketchup"
Leandra- "Yes! Tangy ketchup! Ahhh! "
There were other conversations, too. About how blessed we are, how much harder these miles seemed compared to regular road miles.
At mile 10 when her Garmin beeped I was convinced that we had not hit the double digits yet. I was certain she would say mile 9 had finally arrived!
I looked at her and she said "That's 10!" I was so overjoyed that we had to give praise for not only making it to this point without being seriously injured, but also for the incredible experience we were being given.
Then, it was back into the mud, which let me tell you, wasn't nearly as bad the second pass through because by this point you just had to go for it and get past it.
We had many of those second laps miles to ourselves out there, which was at times a little spooky but at the same time so peaceful.
We could hear the announcers voice through the woods as we closed in to the finish, and by this point we were sore, hungry, and completely exhausted, yet thrilled to have been able to complete such a challenging event.
We held hands as we ran the last stretch toward the finish line, and told one another how proud we were of each other for finishing.

We got our medals; slices of a wood round with a logo glued to the middle. (Totally awesome)
We took pics of our nasty shoes.

We had a pb & j.
We made our way back to the car and stripped off our shoes/socks that were covered in mud.
Then, we showered at the hotel and wore our pj's to Steak N Shake where we had steak burgers, a chocolate shake, salty fries, and some tangy ketchup.
I am still smiling when I look back at this past weekend, and I can't wait to see what our next adventure is.

...and the word of our testimony

I'm forever trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together that is me; I want to know why I do what I do, what drives me, what holds me back. 
Last week I received another piece to my puzzle. I learned that I have what is called adjustment disorder. I have the long-term version of this, which means I have spent my whole life adjusting poorly to change.
I am told that the reason I have this condition is because I never knew what I was coming home to, or what to expect at any given moment, when I was young, having an alcoholic mother who had wildly erratic behavior and changes in her personality.
Anyway, all I know is that to this day I have a hard time getting out of the car and going inside when I first get home. I still, to this day, will eat something- anything- the minute I walk in the door. Its something I observe myself doing, but not something I feel I have any ability to control yet. Yet.
 Somedays, I'd come home and there would be silence, the eerie kind. The kind that you are just waiting for some big explosion of emotion. The kind where just when you think it's safe to relax and watch tv and take your shoes off, doors start slamming and mean words start flying and you're blindsided and find yourself in your room wondering what on earth you could have done wrong, just wanting to have a 'normal' life.
Or, I'd come home to the radio blaring, her chatting on the phone, cheerful and pleasant and carrying on her business.
Or, I'd come home and she'd be passed out on the floor. Windows open, radio blaring, lunch left sitting out and dishes all over the kitchen and that was a really hard thing because then she'd wake up and be in a rush to get it all 'normal' for when my dad got home. The bad part about this was that it was my responsibility to clean up the messes. If I decided to listen and help. I would say 9 out of 10 times I'd fight her and refuse. That never worked out well for me, but I guess I've had fight in me for longer than I have realized.
So, back to this disorder. When I found out, there was a bit of relief. After all, I had sort of figured out on my own that I have a hard time with change. I thrive on routine (its safe) and I will actively seek to do things I am afraid to do to push myself- it's another form of recreating that feeling but in a positive way. (triathlons!)
The bad part for me about finding this out is that I suddenly felt crippled by it. Temporarily, thank God.
This really knocked me down mentally for a few days as I comprehended it all.
Then, I got angry. The anniversary of my moms death was last Saturday. 14 years now and I'm just now trying to sort through the mess that she caused. How absurd is that?!
However, I know that I would not be who I am today if I hadn't have gone through all that I have. It is that truth that keeps me grounded. It gives me hope that I will continue to overcome.
I have been given a new task at work, and it is kicking my butt. I have had days where I have to go in the bathroom and cry for 5 minutes because I am so overwhelmed with the idea of doing something new, something so confusing to me. It is not my lack of intelligence- I know this. It is not my inability to understand.  It is me being afraid because it's new, it's big, and I don't know how to handle all the emotions that come up in me when I face the task at hand. But, I am understanding better as I go through this.
Today I missed my morning routine - the one that completely grounds me for the day and sets me up to tackle whatever lies ahead. Around noon, I headed out during my lunch break to run, run, run.
I don't often lissten to music, but today I did. As I was running laps around the warehouse building, the lyrics to one of the songs spoke to me ...
"...cause you make all things work together for my good"
Over and over and over it went, and I received the reassurance that I am in good hands. Even when it's hard. Especially when things are hard.
When I began working for this company a year ago, I did not understand where or why or how I ended up here in the corporate world. I certainly didn't feel as though I belonged, but I was grateful- and still am- for the incredible opportunity I've been given here. I didn't understand why I was lead here, but in learning what I have about myself- the whole adjustment disorder thing- and the fact that a core value of my company is to "embrace change", it's no mistake that I am here to learn to do just that.
The whole "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it" deal in action.
I'm hopeful I'll have another testimony to share when I get through this one. So far, so good.