I'm forever trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together that is me; I want to know why I do what I do, what drives me, what holds me back.
Last week I received another piece to my puzzle. I learned that I have what is called adjustment disorder. I have the long-term version of this, which means I have spent my whole life adjusting poorly to change.
I am told that the reason I have this condition is because I never knew what I was coming home to, or what to expect at any given moment, when I was young, having an alcoholic mother who had wildly erratic behavior and changes in her personality.
Anyway, all I know is that to this day I have a hard time getting out of the car and going inside when I first get home. I still, to this day, will eat something- anything- the minute I walk in the door. Its something I observe myself doing, but not something I feel I have any ability to control yet. Yet.
Somedays, I'd come home and there would be silence, the eerie kind. The kind that you are just waiting for some big explosion of emotion. The kind where just when you think it's safe to relax and watch tv and take your shoes off, doors start slamming and mean words start flying and you're blindsided and find yourself in your room wondering what on earth you could have done wrong, just wanting to have a 'normal' life.
Or, I'd come home to the radio blaring, her chatting on the phone, cheerful and pleasant and carrying on her business.
Or, I'd come home and she'd be passed out on the floor. Windows open, radio blaring, lunch left sitting out and dishes all over the kitchen and that was a really hard thing because then she'd wake up and be in a rush to get it all 'normal' for when my dad got home. The bad part about this was that it was my responsibility to clean up the messes. If I decided to listen and help. I would say 9 out of 10 times I'd fight her and refuse. That never worked out well for me, but I guess I've had fight in me for longer than I have realized.
So, back to this disorder. When I found out, there was a bit of relief. After all, I had sort of figured out on my own that I have a hard time with change. I thrive on routine (its safe) and I will actively seek to do things I am afraid to do to push myself- it's another form of recreating that feeling but in a positive way. (triathlons!)
The bad part for me about finding this out is that I suddenly felt crippled by it. Temporarily, thank God.
This really knocked me down mentally for a few days as I comprehended it all.
Then, I got angry. The anniversary of my moms death was last Saturday. 14 years now and I'm just now trying to sort through the mess that she caused. How absurd is that?!
However, I know that I would not be who I am today if I hadn't have gone through all that I have. It is that truth that keeps me grounded. It gives me hope that I will continue to overcome.
I have been given a new task at work, and it is kicking my butt. I have had days where I have to go in the bathroom and cry for 5 minutes because I am so overwhelmed with the idea of doing something new, something so confusing to me. It is not my lack of intelligence- I know this. It is not my inability to understand. It is me being afraid because it's new, it's big, and I don't know how to handle all the emotions that come up in me when I face the task at hand. But, I am understanding better as I go through this.
Today I missed my morning routine - the one that completely grounds me for the day and sets me up to tackle whatever lies ahead. Around noon, I headed out during my lunch break to run, run, run.
I don't often lissten to music, but today I did. As I was running laps around the warehouse building, the lyrics to one of the songs spoke to me ...
"...cause you make all things work together for my good"
Over and over and over it went, and I received the reassurance that I am in good hands. Even when it's hard. Especially when things are hard.
When I began working for this company a year ago, I did not understand where or why or how I ended up here in the corporate world. I certainly didn't feel as though I belonged, but I was grateful- and still am- for the incredible opportunity I've been given here. I didn't understand why I was lead here, but in learning what I have about myself- the whole adjustment disorder thing- and the fact that a core value of my company is to "embrace change", it's no mistake that I am here to learn to do just that.
The whole "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it" deal in action.
I'm hopeful I'll have another testimony to share when I get through this one. So far, so good.
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