Handing it over

I have been thinking for the last few hours about how to write today's blog, because I haven't fully comprehended what took place today exactly. Or, I have, but I haven't found the words to share it yet. 

But, I'm going to give it a shot because I know I learned something today that needs to be shared.

The Frostbite Series is near and dear to me because it is how I was introduced to distance running. I remember the day I stood in line to sign up, and the lady at the registration table asked me "Short or long?" and it was in that simple question that was the turning point for me with running. 

I glanced at the paper, saw the first race was 7 -something miles,and I said "uhm, long". And so it was. I had never run more than 5 miles at one time, but I was ready to try. 

It was this series that I also fell in love with the sport. Runs stopped hurting and started being the most enjoyable experiences for me. It was this series that I began seeing that I was capable of doing so much more than I had any idea that I could do physically. 

The first year I ran it, I had some pretty decent race times. I was going all-out back then, giving all I had. Not that I don't still, but my approach has changed over the years a bit. This was 2008.

I have run the series every year since, eagerly awaiting the season. There is something wonderful about getting up early on a freezing Saturday morning during the holidays to go race in Forest Park with a bunch of other people that are thinking and feeling the same love-hate thing that you are. There's something special about sticking it out when it's so cold you can't stand still at the start line because you're so miserable.

So leading up to this week I have had some anxiety about my performance for these races. 

The truth is, I weigh more now than I used to (10 lbs) and I simply do not run hard any more. 

Running has become a very, very enjoyable social thing for me. Back when I ran alone, I gave all I had each and every time and never even considered running "easy" and enjoying the run. Now days I just don't have the desire to give it all I have and labor through a run ..because I don't feel the need to. Until this week. 

There has been a desire building inside of me since I posted about how I'd like to run a faster half marathon. It is slowly building in me and it is not something I have fully embraced- because it hurts. It is uncomfortable to run fast. I'd rather run for 5 hours slow than 30 minutes all out. Its the truth and it is why I always choose distance over a speedy 5k.

Also,it requires me to let go of beliefs  and doubts I have for myself. Let me tell you, I work hard at holding onto those.I'm queen of being my own worst enemy and this is a prime example of that. 

So, back to this week. I looked up my past race times, and was honestly astounded that I ran as fast as I did in 2009-2010. I had come off of a fall that was full of 5ks, I think I was running them like every weekend all out at that time, and I was seeing some serious results. 

My past 12k race times look like this-

2008, age 34; 1:17:52. (10:27 pace)

2009, 1:12:05 (9:40)

2010, 1:16:26 (10:15)

Last year I went into the race wanting to push,but really mostly with a laid-back approach,as I had just acquired running buddies and I was so excited to have company that I really didn't have the desire to do anything other than enjoy the company and experience.

In looking at these times, and knowing full well what I have been running lately, I was feeling anxious about what I would be able to do this weekend. After all, I don't run 5ks often,I have taken 'easy pace' to a whole new level of easy, running about an 11:30 for many of my miles each week. 

I didn't think I could do it. I was sure that it was too hard and I was setting myself up for a personal disappointment, even if I ran well. My best was not going to even be in the realm of these former races.

About the time I was thinking on all of this,I asked myself, again, as I do often, where faith comes in with this scenario. Because certainly it does, but I am often clueless to how the two intertwine.

Well, I got the answer almost immediately,and it about knocked me over. I opened a book I hadn't picked up in some months, to the page I had bookmarked,and this is what I saw: "...here's my theory on fear. We're always going to be afraid of something, but I would rather fear God than people or circumstances. Many of us won't take risks because we're afraid of losing" and then, "...we view suffering as negative, but it is a way for us to express love to God. We tend to avoid suffering at all costs, yet those we admire most are often those who have sacrificed and suffered most" 

It brought me to tears, because it was exactly what I needed to hear. Just because I was scared didn't mean I shouldn't do it, and further, fear of discomfort (running hard, at a pace I didn't think was in my capacity- any of those previous paces,really!) wasn't something that I had to continue to view as a bad thing. 

As the rest of the week played out, I began handing over my worries and doubts every time I caught myself thinking them. It helped a lot, but I was still of course worried about how I would do today. 

I woke up and got ready, and tried to stay in the moment and not get nervous.
As the race began, I would catch myself saying "Go easy, not too fast yet, hold back" and I started to catch every one of them and replace them with "Take my doubt, Lord. Have it, it's yours. I am giving it all to you" and I did it over, and over, and over, and over. And I realized something: all this time, through all my running, my prayers are usually of the "help me run well" variety. And today? Today I got it, after all this time. They are no longer HELP ME - they are of the 'this is for you' variety. This is how I have finally learned what it means to run for His glory. I was finally brave enough to face the discomfort, to give away the doubtful thoughts that keep me in my comfort zone, and give them to God to handle. I was finally ready to let go of the result of the race, and trust that if I gave my fears and doubts over,that I would run to glorify Him, no matter what my time was. 

At mile 7, my watch clocked a 9 minute mile. That was uphill. I was not only running negative splits, I was running a pace faster than I have in a very, very long time. At the end of a race, nonetheless. 

Today I was shown what I can do when I let go of my self-imposed limitations, and I cannot wait to do it again. 

2011- age 37, 1:13:34. (Garmin had me at 1:13:20 at a distance of 7.53)

Hit the trail, not the snooze button.

It's getting cold, and raining more frequently and our early morning routine is suffering as a result
It is a beautiful  thing to know that you have a friend or two (sometimes even 3) that you know will be feeling all the things you are- that it's too early, too cold, too hard, etc. who is going to be there waiting for you to run. That's the beauty of accountability with others. Strength in numbers!
But, what about the times when you aren't accountable to anyone other than yourself? It is all too easy to roll over, set the alarm for later, or lay there and list the reasons in your mind as to why doing a workout during lunch, or after work, or tomorrow morning for certain is the right thing to do.
This is one of the few strengths I have been blessed with; for being one of the most emotional people I know, I have learned how to take my emotion out of this particular equation. And I am so thankful for this!
One of my favorite running quotes that pertains to this goes like this:

"Workouts are like brushing my teeth; I don't think about them, I just do them.  The decision has already been made."
Patti Sue Plumer, U.S. Olympian
That is exactly how I get up, day after day (well, about 5 out of 7 at least, rest days are important also!)
and put one foot in front of another. I do not give myself an option...for the most part. If I am sick, or I have not slept well (less than 5 hrs is typically my rule on that) or something is going on where I need to be home because of Mark or Madi, I of course have no problem working it into my day at a later time.
What I am talking about is the day-to-day "I should work out but...", "I am too tired", or "I will just do it later" things that hold us down and keep us from the goals we want for ourselves.
This has nothing to do with willpower. It has everything to do with making the decision and not giving your mind a chance to convince your body otherwise.
It has been said that running is mental, and this is part of what could be separating you from the next level.
So tomorrow, when your alarm sounds earlier than you can hardly stand, put your feet on the floor. Tell yourself whatever it is that you need to hear- for me, I tell myself all the time that if I want to walk, I can, but get moving. And I fall for it, every single time, even though I never end up walking.
I promise you, you won't be sorry.

It's all Lance's fault

It's 8:44 on a Sunday night and as I type this I can see, out of the corner of my eye, the treadmill we just bought this weekend.

And every time I try to ignore it, well, I can't really ignore it because it's taking up a good portion of this room. 

And it has these Livestrong type yellow bands on it, which of course reminds me of how Lance Armstrong kicked cancers' butt...and here I sit on the couch doing nothing... 

Oh, and then there are the cake batter rice crispy treats I made this weekend... I ate almost the whole pan.

Yep. Better late than never for a run. 

You only regret the workouts you don't do!

T.I.N.S.T.A.A.F.L.- There is no such thing as a free lunch.
Maybe the only thing I have retained from middle school and I think it's because it's catchy.
Anyway.
We got treated to lunch at work today. It was so delicious that I took a photo so you could be envious.

The butter and the brown sugar would have been tasty, but I have learned to eat sweet potatoes with just salt and pepper so I skipped it.

Plus, what isn't in the photo is the Grande light peppermint mocha Frappucino I am enjoying as well. 170 calories of wondful wintery - flavored happiness.
Happy Friday it is indeed!

I 'get' you.

I don't watch much tv, but did happen to turn on the Biggest Loser the other night when it was on.
As I watched this moment, I found myself crying because Dolvett (the trainer in the video) describes exactly what it is I want to say to anyone who does not think they can lose weight, or overcome their past, or learn to run, or do whatever on earth it is they think they cannot do.
I've been there, and I promise you, you can.

On compulsion and addiction

It's often one of those things that I don't catch until I step back, or away from, to fully "see" that something has become an issue.
I walk a continual 'fine line' when it comes to over doing things. From eating too much candy to running when my body could use a day of rest, I am inherintly aware of how easily things can get out of balance for me.
The problem does not just lie in my awareness of the excessive thing in question.
The problem lies in seeing it and holding myself accountable; walking away from the bag of jelly beans or intentionally taking  a day off from running so I can get rest inbetween runs or heal up a nagging pain.
I can be aware that I'm out of balance yet I still will get up and run.
I can be completely aware that I have eaten more than a serving (or two or three) of something...yet knowing does not mean I will stop.
Often, I won't.
And before the indulgence, this thought comes:
"I ran today, it's no big deal"
Followed by this one as the guilt sets in:
"You had better make sure to get up and run tomorrow"

And that is how two normal, healthy activities so easily become one dysfunctional process for someone who struggles with addiction and/or compulsion.

It wasn't until I took a 2 week hiatus from my "routine" that I realized I'd been pretty much eating whatever I wanted as far as sweets/treats went followed by making sure I kept my mileage up so I wouldn't gain weight.
Not only was my method not working, it has left me on the verge of injury for months now.

Since we have returned home, I have broken the cycle.
I have held myself accountable for everything that I eat by logging it on a free app called My Fitness Pal.
I have also been running, but not because I have overeaten, or so I can eat candy all day, but because I love the activity and because I am working to lose the 10 pounds I have gained these past few months.

I am a constant work in progress. This was a big realization for me and while I am not without embarrassment to come forth in telling about it, I do feel fortunate that I am able to see what was happening and call myself out on it and learn from it.

Home sweet home

These past 4 days have been a whirlwind!
We flew from HI to CA overnight Wednesday night, arrived in LA early Thursday morning on little sleep,
After shuttling back and forth to the hotel, then back to the airport, then back to the hotel, we headed straight for Disneyland and spent the majority of the Thurs, Fri, and Saturday riding rides and having a fun time together.

I feel so blessed to have been able to have this time with her! It seems so difficult to have quality time together anymore.

Highlight of the trip- Madi telling me that I remind her of of the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio. (Yeah, I don't know about that either but it was a very sweet thing to say even if I don't grant wishes or fly :)

Yesterday we flew home and got unpacked and I washed about 5 loads of laundry, all the while ignoring the nagging voice in my head saying "Run...go run...go for a run..."

I did not run or exercise (other than walking through the park all day) Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. That might very well be a record for me! I missed it terribly but I wanted to give Madi my undivided time and attention, because I rarely do and she deserves that more than I give it.

This morning I was wide awake at 4:15 and ready to run!

I made it to the trail by 4:50 and got 7 miles in. It was wonderful to be back to my routine, even though my body wasn't loving it too much.

I guess the crazy sleep schedule caught up with me a bit more than I have fully realized? Or, all of the delicious sugar-laden stuff I ate has directlly effected the way I feel. I'm willing to bet it's the latter...

Back on the eating right wagon and it's been an easy transition today, thankfully!

Tomorrow is our 1 month anniversary since our wedding, which means one thing. I MUST WRITE THANK YOU NOTES TONIGHT!

Too much of a good thing

Last night we celebrated our final nice dinner in Maui by having dinner at Cane and Taro 
I'll spare the details, but I will say it was delicious. I had the Maui onion and tomato salad with balsamic drizzle and goat cheese. I also had 2 very strong drinks called Hula girls and I should have stopped at one when I began to feel the effects!
After dinner, we did some window shopping around Whalers Village and then decided to have a special desert at Hula Grill. Mark's favorite desert is pineapple upside down cake and they are known for having the best. 
They didn't disappoint! 

I had the homemade ice cream sandwich, it was great. 
I ate half of it. To prevent me from finishing it off, I poured the raspberry sauce all over the rest of it because I don't like raspberry very much. It worked. 
However, I did have a lilikoi martini here (passion fruit) and also managed to drink some of Mark's chocolate martini as well. Now you see why I don't drink but on a rare occasion! Moderation is a challenge for me.
This morning I woke up bright and early - 5:30 or so, and knowing it was my last morning here in Maui I decided I needed to get out the door and experience it one last time. 
My mornings running - especially on vacation- are so important to me, even if I knew I wouldn't be running well physically, mentally the benefits do wonders for me. 
I decided to bring my phone, which was very awkward but I wanted to capture a few lasting memories. 

It was (is) another wonderful morning, even though I was not feeling the greatest physically. My legs are sore this morning, partly from dehydration I am sure, partly because my last run was right before dinner last night and I haven't had much recovery time in between runs. 
I saw this fellow along the way. This was taken right before he passed me.

I returned back to the condo to find my final papaya ready to be eaten with fresh lime slices alongside. I have the best husband ever! I also had a Greek yogurt with a little granola on top and some G2 on the lanai. I have to use that "on the lanai" as many times as I can since I won't be using it after today. (sigh)
We are packing up here as I type (okay, he is done packing. I haven't touched a suitcase yet) and we are headed to spend the day shopping for last minute things and then to find a good spot for a final sunset, then headed to the airport.
I am so excited to see my girl tomorrow. I can't wait to run around Disneyland with her!

Here I go again

Life since my last blog has been quite an adventure! 

As I type this, our honeymoon is coming to an end, and what a fantastic experience that it has been. 
We have been blessed with the opportunity to spend 10 wonderful days on the island of Maui in Hawaii. 
But, our fun isn't over yet! Madi, my 15 year old, will be flying out to meet us Thursday so we can spend a few action-packed days at Disneyland. She is a big fan of the mouse, so we are looking forward to spending some quality time with her. 
Then, back to reality it is next week. 
Truth be told, I am ready to be back into a routine. I have completely enjoyed this escape from life, but I find comfort in routine, and I am eager to be back to following a plan. 
Which, leads me to why I am back in the blogging world today.
Most if not all who know me are aware of the life I previously lead- I weighed about 320 pounds at my heaviest, and I was obese until the age of 30.
Long story short, hearing my doctor refer to me as "obese" was a real life changing moment for me. I began counting calories, learning about nutrition, and exercising the very day she said it. 
Since then, (now over 7 years ago), I have learned a whole lot more about myself that I didn't know then. Mostly, I learned that I am an emotional eater, that I turn to food for reasons that have nothing to do with nutrition or hunger,  and that I have a tendency to be a compulsive over-eater as well. Thankfully, the more I learn about myself and the more I heal, the easier these things seem to be for me to manage. 
I feel very, very blessed to be a success story, and I truly feel that I am exactly that. 
I will never weigh 125 pounds, and I will never be a size 6. And I am okay with that. What I do strive for is to be healthy, active, and to respect and love my body for what it is and all of the amazing things it does for me. 
You would think that this would be an easy thing for me to do if you look at my success with losing 150 pounds and keeping (most of it) off for as long as I have, but that isn't always the case. I sometimes forget how far I have come, and I find myself beating myself up for what I am not versus seeing myself for what  I am. Old habits die hard, I suppose. 
These past few months have been challenging for me in many ways. I thought I had truly found my 'calling' in life when I was placed in the position to help others achieve their weight loss goals and to help inspire and teach them to change the way they see food and themselves. But then that company ended, and I found myself in an environment of professionals who don't need to be inspired, coached, or advised on wiser food choices. (Trust me, if it were appropriate, I'd be giving all sorts of advice, ha!) 
Combine this new environment with a cancelled attempt at running the Chicago marathon this past October, and I am one lost girl with no one to 'help' and no goal to obtain!
I am rolling with things, but I am floundering along the way and I will be the first to admit it. 
I have gained 8 pounds since I left my previous job, and I have altogether stopped any and all forms of strength training or even cross-training for that matter. And while still running about 30 mpw.  I have begun eating things I know to steer clear of.  And I feel terrible. And my clothing doesn't fit right. And I am hating every single honeymoon picture that is taken and I hate being a freak about things like that.
Lastly, I am getting meaner and meaner when I talk to myself each day, and that is what bothers me most of all.
So, I have prayed about this and that is when I began thinking that blogging may be a good way for me to A) become more accountable to myself and my health and B) fill the deep desire I have to help others who struggle as well. 
I have set a new goal - it is not weight related. I learned a long time ago that a number on a scale does not determine my worth nor does a certain size clothing; but I do want to like myself again,and I want to feel confident again. 
My goal is this- to pr (personal record) in the half marathon. It is something I have a real desire to do, and it goes perfectly with wanting to lose a few pounds so I am able to run faster, easier. Specifically, that means running a half faster than 2:08. I am planning on training through to run the Frostbite Series half marathon on January 21st.
I have a training plan waiting at home for me, and it includes strength training as well as speed work days, which I am not a fan of to say the least, but I am ready.
I plan on logging my workouts, thoughts, experiences, and maybe even food/recipe related stuff here as I go. 
My focus is balance. My days of restriction and hard-core dieting are long gone, so this isn't going to be a blog about low-carbing and I can promise you that I will still be excited to find Pumpkin Pie PopTarts at the grocery store!