As I type this, our honeymoon is coming to an end, and what a fantastic experience that it has been. We have been blessed with the opportunity to spend 10 wonderful days on the island of Maui in Hawaii.
But, our fun isn't over yet! Madi, my 15 year old, will be flying out to meet us Thursday so we can spend a few action-packed days at Disneyland. She is a big fan of the mouse, so we are looking forward to spending some quality time with her.
Then, back to reality it is next week.
Truth be told, I am ready to be back into a routine. I have completely enjoyed this escape from life, but I find comfort in routine, and I am eager to be back to following a plan.
Which, leads me to why I am back in the blogging world today.
Most if not all who know me are aware of the life I previously lead- I weighed about 320 pounds at my heaviest, and I was obese until the age of 30.
Long story short, hearing my doctor refer to me as "obese" was a real life changing moment for me. I began counting calories, learning about nutrition, and exercising the very day she said it.
Since then, (now over 7 years ago), I have learned a whole lot more about myself that I didn't know then. Mostly, I learned that I am an emotional eater, that I turn to food for reasons that have nothing to do with nutrition or hunger, and that I have a tendency to be a compulsive over-eater as well. Thankfully, the more I learn about myself and the more I heal, the easier these things seem to be for me to manage.
I feel very, very blessed to be a success story, and I truly feel that I am exactly that.
I will never weigh 125 pounds, and I will never be a size 6. And I am okay with that. What I do strive for is to be healthy, active, and to respect and love my body for what it is and all of the amazing things it does for me.
You would think that this would be an easy thing for me to do if you look at my success with losing 150 pounds and keeping (most of it) off for as long as I have, but that isn't always the case. I sometimes forget how far I have come, and I find myself beating myself up for what I am not versus seeing myself for what I am. Old habits die hard, I suppose.
These past few months have been challenging for me in many ways. I thought I had truly found my 'calling' in life when I was placed in the position to help others achieve their weight loss goals and to help inspire and teach them to change the way they see food and themselves. But then that company ended, and I found myself in an environment of professionals who don't need to be inspired, coached, or advised on wiser food choices. (Trust me, if it were appropriate, I'd be giving all sorts of advice, ha!)
Combine this new environment with a cancelled attempt at running the Chicago marathon this past October, and I am one lost girl with no one to 'help' and no goal to obtain!
I am rolling with things, but I am floundering along the way and I will be the first to admit it.
I have gained 8 pounds since I left my previous job, and I have altogether stopped any and all forms of strength training or even cross-training for that matter. And while still running about 30 mpw. I have begun eating things I know to steer clear of. And I feel terrible. And my clothing doesn't fit right. And I am hating every single honeymoon picture that is taken and I hate being a freak about things like that.
Lastly, I am getting meaner and meaner when I talk to myself each day, and that is what bothers me most of all.
So, I have prayed about this and that is when I began thinking that blogging may be a good way for me to A) become more accountable to myself and my health and B) fill the deep desire I have to help others who struggle as well.
I have set a new goal - it is not weight related. I learned a long time ago that a number on a scale does not determine my worth nor does a certain size clothing; but I do want to like myself again,and I want to feel confident again.
My goal is this- to pr (personal record) in the half marathon. It is something I have a real desire to do, and it goes perfectly with wanting to lose a few pounds so I am able to run faster, easier. Specifically, that means running a half faster than 2:08. I am planning on training through to run the Frostbite Series half marathon on January 21st.
I have a training plan waiting at home for me, and it includes strength training as well as speed work days, which I am not a fan of to say the least, but I am ready.
I plan on logging my workouts, thoughts, experiences, and maybe even food/recipe related stuff here as I go.
My focus is balance. My days of restriction and hard-core dieting are long gone, so this isn't going to be a blog about low-carbing and I can promise you that I will still be excited to find Pumpkin Pie PopTarts at the grocery store!
Wow. a 2:08. I *dream* of a 2:08 half! You go!!!
ReplyDeleteI have to say, that running a marathon in October before Halloween (and still resting when Halloween candy goes on sale) is BAD. I gained several pounds after StL Rock n Roll and I have finally managed to get 2 of those pounds off.
I know the funk you're in, and I have to say, while I had THE time of my life in Hawaii with my hubby, some photos SO do not reflect how great we were both feeling, they're not the best, etc.